I think it's important every once in a while to place down your testimony for others to see. So they are able to see they are not the only ones in the same place and that there are people out there who understand, who are going thru the same thing as well as people who have been thru it and made it to the other side. I hope the below brings hope to the people that need hope and that not only can they understand that they are loved but that they are also worth that love- something I am still trying to this day to accept and understand... <3 Mary

I was never the type that didn't believe in God, I just became bitter and pissed off at Him that my attitude was 'I will do it my own way and do it better than you'. I knew God, but, I didn't want Him. Obviously looking back now I see where that attitude got me. But, what I have learned thru experience is that sometimes God does allow us to make mistakes. Life isn't easy, it's full of twists and turns, and sometimes because of our thick-headedness God allows us to go down a path that He does not wish us to go only so we can see where it will bring us to. I had gone down a path so far and buried myself so deep that the only way out was to seek God's help or continue down a path of destruction. Looking back now I see the scripture 'everything works for the glory of God', whether it was in His plan or not, He will even use what the devil creates to form something good from it.

I stopped going to church when I was about 13 due to church drama and a pastor that was so self-absorbed into what he thought was best for the church instead of concentrating what God was saying was best. When I left, a series of events happened the next several years of my life that brought me into a spiraling downward mess. My Great Aunt, whom was like a grandmother to me passed away and I became mad at God for the way she had to die and leaving me behind. I started to slowly turn my back on Him; skip a few years ahead by age 17 several things had happened in my life: I was sexually harassed by a 26 year old for over a year, blamed by his girlfriend who was also one of my 'friends' that it had been my fault. And unfortunately they convinced me to believe if I told anyone about what had been happening people would blame me. Next, my best guy friend had died and amongst all that and several other things I was suffering with major depression. I found a out thru self-mutilation and popping prescription pills, I had found the physical pain was less than the emotional and of course by now I had turned my back completely on God while struggling with suicidal thoughts/cravings, getting to a point that I had convinced myself hell was better than here.

I survived thru a daze for the next several years, basically just not having the guts to end my life until things just progressively got worse and worse in which I just did not care anymore. When I went back to church it was as a 'last request' to my parents whom had no clue my plans to end my life. A man had come to our house to fix a fax machine, in which he told my mom about a church called Horizon (A church that Dave Cowan helped plant back in Maryland) and as she continued to pursue me to check out the church, eventually I did.

I have learned thru my past that not only is God carrying you when you don't feel Him there, but you also don't challenge God either. I remember walking in talking to God silently, telling Him I was leaving the first moment someone put a false facade up- not really caring how you are doing but asking anyways. As I walked in I was blown away by the welcoming of everyone there, but it was not enough for me. I continued to challenge Him silently with stupid things: 'The first traditional song they play about how great God is I was leaving'.-- The first song played was Switchfoot's Dare You To Move.

That was a complete God moment for me. I could not deny that God was screaming straight into my face. I don't know if you have ever actually listened to the lyrics of that song, but there I was, someone ready to just throw my life away, and lyrics that say 'I'm being dared to move, like today never happened, that forgiveness is right where I fell and Salvation was there'.

I mean. Wow. I can't tell anyone what happened next, as all I can say is that day is where God met me right where I was, lifted me out of the muddy hole I was in and placed me back on my feet (though wobbly) still placed me back on them. It was a while before I came back to Christ, even then I was hesitant because of many experiences I had already witnessed and already gone thru but I was open to God for once, and a year later Dave baptized me.

I think the one good thing I've realized thru this though is just because Christ is in my life and in my heart it does not make the road easy, actually, it makes the road three times harder, but what I do know is if I he hadn't screamed in my face, and didn't let me experience those things, I wouldn't be here today.

God has taught me so much in such a little bit of time, grown me in many ways that I can't begin to even place into words, and I think the amazing thing is- I still have so much more growing to do.

So that's my story- or at least a part of it. I just want to leave with one thing, never give up on Hope. Hope is what will get you thru the day, thru the week, thru the month and thru the year. If you have Hope, you have Hope that He can bring you out of whatever you are going thru, you have Hope that you are worth it, you have Hope that HIS GRACE is enough. You have Hope that you are worth HIS LOVE.



Swtichfoot Lyrics (portion of it- not word for word)

Welcome to the planet, welcome to existence.
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
What happens next?

I dare you to move.
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
Like today never happened
Today never happened before.

The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be


Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move.
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
Like today never happened
Today never happened before.